Auntie Seraphic & the Reader Who Dreams of Happiness in Marriage

Poppets! Never forget that I am not an expert on marriage. I am rather more well-known for having been Single for a long time and not having forgotten what it's like. I'm kind of new on marriage stuff. Meanwhile, I can't just write whatever I think about marriage because (A) if I write that it is absolute bliss, I risk rubbing my Single readers noses in it and (B) if I write that I want to wallop my husband with a frying pan, he (and his friends) will read it and feel sad.

MEANWHILE, whenever I write about how fabulous female friendships are, and how girls rule, and how life is not worth living without female companionship, consider that I live four thousand miles away from most of my female friends and relations. I work from home, and I go to the Extraordinary Form of the Mass which is, incidentally, where all the boys are. I have no children. My only pet is a basil plant named Paweł, and he's looking rather peaky.

ALSO, I have been married for 4.5 years, and therefore see marriage rather differently than Single readers, or readers who have been married for 6 months, or readers who have been married for 45 years, or Alice von Hildebrand and other widows.

You must keep all these things in mind, and if you ever feel really lousy after reading one of my posts, I recommend snorting, "Ah! What does she know?" and finding a cute kitten video at once.

Dear Auntie Seraphic, 

Thank you for running this blog. It has a lot of good advice. This email originally started out as a comment, but once I realized that it was turning into a depressing monologue, I decided to Ctrl + C and post it into a good old-fashioned e-mail. :-)

May I say that I become increasingly sad (I am usually sad to begin with) whenever I read one of your posts on men & women, ESPECIALLY in marriage?

Frankly speaking, I have never witnessed a happy marriage. However, the little fairy-tale loving section of my soul just will not die, and I continue to hope that there IS such a thing as a happy, passionate, understanding marriage. 

I don't think you *intend* to do this, but you are slowly but surely convincing me that there is not such a thing.  To clarify, I know that love is not the way it's portrayed in Taylor Swift songs. I know that emotions come and go.  But you have shown me that: The passionate feelings experienced within the first couple years of a relationship will go away - and not come back.  A man will never understand you. This one BREAKS. MY. HEART. As an emotionally abandoned/abused child, all I've ever wanted in my life is to be understood. Also, I watched my parents "misunderstand" each other for 25 years. 

I do not know what to think. I am so sad. :-(

Reader Who Dreams of Happiness in Marriage

Dear Reader Who Dreams of Happiness in Marriage,

Don't be sad. Well, you can be sad, but there is no real NEED to be sad. The complete and total joyful understanding that you long for is available. 

The thing is, it comes from God. Your heart will be restless until it rests in Him, i.e. after you die. [Actually, some saints manage to be perfectly content with Him in this life, too.]

A good husband is a wonderful creature and a very great gift from God, but at the end of the day he is just another fallible human being and no husband (or wife) can fill the God-shaped hole in any human heart. Still, there's a reason we use "husband" as an analogy for God and "bride" as the analogy for Church, although I have to admit that these are problematic from a woman's point of view. (It helps that male mystics talk about even their souls being female.)

There are happy marriages, indeed! And as for understanding, understanding is built over time. But this understanding is not just "a feeling"or an understanding of a spouse's good points, but a deep understanding of his or her faults, too, and ultimately a coming to peace with the faults, or a noticing that the faults have gone away with work or time. Honestly, this takes TIME [and patience, humility, courage, patience, humility and courage. And patience. Also humility. And patience.]

As for "passion", the honeymoon craziness does wear off, but it flares up here and there, and anyway, it usually [with God's Grace, I should have said] leaves behind a kind of spiritual glue. The spiritual glue gets stronger and stronger. I think the reason why sometimes widows or widowers just turn over and die a week or so after their spouses die is this spiritual glue. Don't think this spiritual glue is less important than "passion." No way, Hosea. 

Meanwhile, if B.A. still acted and felt the way he did when we were engaged, he would probably starve to death: every time I went away on a trip, he would stop eating. And every time I went on a trip, I would cry and live for his phone calls and get nose bleeds, etc. Although that may sound romantic, eight months [actually, two years] of that was really enough. 

Crying for the passion of the early years of a marriage is like crying because it is June, not the first gloriously sunny day in April. For everything there is a season, even the passion of newlyweds. And in fact it is dangerous to think that passion is the be-all and end-all of a happy marriage because people who do tend to get divorced or run around until they realize that it is not. It is necessary to kick-start a marriage (a western marriage, anyway), including the sexual side of marriage, which continues with enjoyment, good-will and jokes, even if without the breathless passion everyone writes about in songs.  

I hope this is helpful. I like marriage very much, and I love my husband very much. I still think he is the perfect man for me, although I know that he is not perfect, and he most definitely knows I am not perfect either. If I sound rather more cranky than I should about the inadequacy of men to be more than just "a part of this complete breakfast", it may be because most of my female friends and relations are far, far away most of the time. 

Grace and peace,

Seraphic

I hope I got across the "spiritual glue" part. Passion is like a basil plant; it springs up and it dies (and you can get more). But love is like in the Song of Solomon: "strong as death." That's the spiritual glue.

Love Completely

This past week has been one of the hardest of my life.  I could never wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.  Hearing the news alone was gut-renching, but to see the person whom I love the most in the world suffering and not being able to do anything to help was horrible.No matter what age, losing a parent is hard.All I could do was to be there for him.  And his brother too, since his Fiance' was not allowed to leave her Residency Program in Chicago.  I know being away from him was hard on her and I can't imagine how helpless she felt being so far away, while I was here with both of them and I was completely at a loss.I really do not think I would have been able to make it through this week if not for some sweet words I received from a friend the morning after Lex's passing... "Hold him close, remind him why he chose you as his wife.  Put the vows to test before they have even been spoken.  Allow him to have his roller coaster of emotions as you never leave his side, and if he asks you to leave his side....don't go far.  They are our lives now. And I think about you during this time as you share the pain."Thank you Nic. Your words helped hold me together and remind me that even though he may be lashing out at me it is not because he is angry with at me.  He misses his best friend, his father, his buddy. I love my fiance and I want nothing more in the world than for him to be happy. Just like his father did.  He wanted for everyone to be happy and always had a big smile on his face.He would greet you at the door with a big hug and his European kisses.  There was no avoiding it.  I tried.  He would chase you.  He would always tell you that he loved you and constantly told his two sons how proud of them he was.  I know that Sam will one day be a great father too and tell our  children how much he loves them every day.  Just like his did. Always remind those you love every single day! 

I have no words.

Yesterday evening, around six o'clock Sam got one of the worst phone calls you could ever receive.His dad's best friend called to tell us that his dad had suddenly had a heart attack and passed away.

Today my post was going to be about our raining trip to OB.I am now so thankful and grateful,that we had the opportunity to go down to Sam's dad's house and spend time with him last week.

Like Father, Like Son. Last Friday at The Wharf in Orange Beach

He was only 65 years old.All of his test had shown that he was healthy.

Dinner at Lulu's last Saturday night

He was a great father, always had a smile on his face, was so proud of his two son's and told them all of the time.  He will be greatly missed and will forever be in our hearts.Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we struggle with this difficult time. 

Distinguishing Loving from Fancying

People learning North American English must be so confused by our poverty of words concerning matters of the heart. When I was a school child, we expressed other-focused longings with the word "like", as in "So do you like him?" or "You like Aaron! You like Aaron!" or, cynically, "So who do YOU like?" as if every ten year old girl must by definition have a crush on someone.

This could be confusing, for of course we like many things, which means to say, we associate many things with goodness or pleasure. I like Georgian architecture, for example. I like the Scottish Poetry Library. I like the poetry of Zbigniew Herbert. I like cats. I like our nearest neighbours.

Fortunately, the British, who invented English, have a more specific word for other-focused longings and it is "fancy," as in "So do you fancy him?" 

This is a terribly useful word for it always has the connotation of want. You can also say "I fancy a cup of tea" and it means the same thing. You want something. You fancy the cup of tea because it will relax or warm you, and you fancy the new cashier in the supermarket because he is just so tasty-looking. 

Back my good theology school, which I discovered after the fact is considered rather "liberal", my ethics prof used to talk very solemnly and positively about "eros" and tell us concupiscence doesn't mean what we think it means. He was a very good man, and I can imagine him discoursing for half an hour on the holiness of our erotic feelings for the new cashier in the supermarket. However, I think the holiness of our erotic feelings for the new cashier in the supermarket has the shelf-life of a cheesecake. To be honest, if we spend too long concentrating on the thrill we get from the new cashier, we are lusting after the new cashier. 

Lust is the least of the Seven Deadly Sins, but it is still a deadly sin because, even at its mildest, it can utterly cloud your reason. It can lead you to do all kinds of stupid things, including stick with a man who is really rotten to you, or who bores you senseless, because you love kissing him so much. Physical expression of affection, even if sincere affection is largely absent, can chemically/ psychologically glue a woman to someone. Sexual desire is like a freight train, and the only person who can stop it is the driver, through a massive and heroic act of will, plus Grace.

For the sake of happiness, fancying should not be confused with loving, and love of some sort should come before fancying. Definitely there should at least be liking, as in "I like him. He is kind to people and makes me laugh." I know many people who are kind to people and make me laugh, so I like many people. I want to be around them because being around them simply makes me feel comfortable and happy, and I hope God will reward them for their kindness in this world and the next.

Hoping God will reward someone in this world and the next can be defined as "desiring the good of the other" which is the Thomist definition of love. And I think it a measure of love when your desire for the greater good of the other is greater than your desire for any of your goods less than your eternal salvation. For example, many a spouse would lay down his life for his spouse, and many a parent her life for her children. (N.B.: The good of the other is never something forbidden by God.)

Family and friends make all kinds of sacrifices on behalf of those they love. A loving parent says "No" to her  12 year old daughter going to an unsupervised boy-girl party even if the daughter will shout "I hate you! I hate you!" and mean it. A loving 24 year old teacher says "No" to his 18 year old pupil who has a crush on him, not because he could get in trouble if he didn't, but because he does not want his 18 year old pupil to suffer psychological harm.* 

This is true even if the 24 year old teacher secretly fancies his 18 year old pupil and feels pretty wretched. Because, obviously, you can fancy someone and love them at the same time. When I met B.A., I already liked him because he was funny, and then I liked him because he was so kind to everyone, and then I fancied him, but didn't do anything about it, first, because he was A REGULAR READER, and second, because life has taught me it is infinitely better to be the recipient of the First Real Move myself than to make the First Real Move and third, I had just met him and relied upon prudence to safeguard my own good and his. 

The fancying part was not as important as the liking part and the loving part, and I love my regular readers just for being regular readers. Fancying B.A. only became important when I knew B.A. fancied me, and super-important when I knew B.A. loved me in a marry-me way because, really, you shouldn't marry anyone you don't fancy. 

However, our poor hypothetical 24 year old teacher is not in a position to marry his 18 year old pupil because, first of all, she is his pupil, second, she's only 18, and third, he's married already. 

Maybe I should have said that first. At any rate, our hypothetical 24 year old teacher is a good man, and loves both his pupil and his wife, and therefore desires their good. (And if he is a Christian, he desires the good of his salvation above all else.) The good of the pupil is not to get mixed up with him, and the good of his wife is to have a loyal husband. For the teacher to act on his feelings of fancy would be contrary to love. But as he loves, he doesn't. 

To recap some distinctions to help us all sort out how we feel and what is real:

LIKING: Admiration and wanting to be around something/someone just because it/he/she makes you smile and feel happy.

FANCYING: Wanting someone, or their image, for the erotic thrill even just thinking about them gives you.

LOVING: Desiring the other's good so sincerely that you would forgo many goods, including their company, in order to protect it.  

Obviously, when fancying is divorced from love, what we have--very quickly--is lust. And many people fancy those they don't even like, which is dangerous to reason. We do that all the time when we have a crush on someone we don't even know, like a film star, and just create a fantasy around him. 

It is actually quite terrible to be fancied by someone who doesn't know you or doesn't really want to know you as you really are, and wouldn't like you as you really are, but just creates a fantasy based on your image. Knowing that, I suppose we should all strive not to do that to others ourselves. 

The worst case scenario is marrying someone who thinks you are the fantasy image of you he has in his head because, believe me, a few months of marriage will defeat his every attempt to keep that fantasy alive. And then he will blame you, you fantasy-girl murderess!  

It's lovely to be married to someone who likes you. And it is horrible to be married to someone who doesn't like you. So let there be liking before fancying! And let us put love--love as Thomas defined it--before everything else.

Can I make a move on you...

Yes, that is what drunk boys will ask you after you have given them a sandwich even though you are wearing a big shiny engagement ring.  Ridic.  I was obviously correct in thinking he may need to sober up a bit.

What up Travel Tuesday?!

 

This past weekend was one for the books!  17 girls on a bachelorette party all staying in one house and there wasn't any drama!  Hells bells that's amazing!

There were #s to change it for every day. Thanks Pinterest!

Team Bride!

Day 2!

I could not have imagined a better time!  The MOH and the Bridesmaids were all amazing and had planned such an amazing weekend for us all that everything was so relaxed and fun!

 

 

 

 

A friend's mom and sister hosted a lingerie shower for our Sexy Little Bride and had filmed her fiance previously by asking him questions ala the Newlywed Game.  It was adorable!

 

There was a Bachelor Party staying next door that we made friends with.  They were all so sweet!  One of the guys had just bought his girlfriend a engagement ring the week before so we helped him plan out how he is going to ask her!

 

Side Note: For the record, getting in any body of water no matter how deep! after you have been drinking is ALWAYS a bad idea! You can drown in two inches of water.

 But moving on...Seriously!  Even the ride home was fun! after I puked.

Sorry for all of the exclamation points!  It really was that much fun! 

Thank you my little Nico Pico Bride for sharing all of your childhood friends with me!  I am so glad that we are friends and that I got to make so many new ones!

I will say though that if I don't see another Strawberry Limearita for a very long time I will be totally ok with it.

Sunburn Shenanigans

Tax Day wooo!! My email blew up this morning with "deals" and "discounts" all screaming

 "Come spend your tax return here!"

Well good thing I waited until the last minute and filed it this morning *high fives self*!

I will NOT succumb to the pressure!Even though there is a really cute dress at Target I have been eyeing.

 

My Friday night was just wild!

I guess my head looked like a pillow?

Apparently, I am really trying to get skin cancer this year.

 I am 0-2 in the sunburn department so far and once again the majority is on the right side of my body. Just great. 

 

 I just get so excited about it being pretty out that I over estimate my pasteyness.

 

My Cherokee lineage failed me again on Saturday. 

I did wear sunscreen.

And yes I reapplied. 

I think it must have been older than I thought and thus not as effective.

A little backyard sittin' and champagne sippin'....ALWAYS a good time!

Molly accepting her pasteyness.

Big Dog just being herself. Having a girls day.

 

And then we tried to get pretty for the engagement party... I think we did alright.

 

 

and after a few several glasses of wine I forgot how to smile for pictures.

 

 

Just look at that burn line!

Man I am attractive.

 

Sunday consisted of a rainy hangover recovery, watching Bar Rescue (we are addicted), laundry, and some unhealthy eating.  It was perfect!

 

I forgot my gym bag this morning when I left the house, so hopefully Jillian Michaels can motivate me to spend some qt with her instead and get our yoga on.

 

Have a fabulous week!





 



Welcome Aboard the U.S.S. Crazy Ship

Welcome to my new blog! I have never had a blog before, so this will definitely be a learning process!

I have decided to start this blog because I have so many new, exciting and big changes going on in my life right now.  And I need a creative outlet that doesn't leave a mess all over my house.

• The first and most exciting event in life so far is that I am newly engaged to this sweet boy and cannot wait to see where our adventures take us!

(Sam proposed on New Year's Eve 2013! He is my lobster.[more on that on a later date.]) Our wedding will be held in the Spring of 2014. There will be lots of planning in my  our future.

• One of my best friend's got engaged eleven days before I did and she has asked me to stand beside her on her big day and to be her Maid of Honor! After two glasses of wine how could I say no?!....Just Kidding Mo!

I guess we are all getting to be around that age...

• I started a new job the end of January and I could not be happier!  This opportunity literally landed in my lap and I am beyond thankful for it.
• Spring Kickball Season started last week and that is always a blast! I highly recommend that you get in on this action! This will be my fourth season playing and Sam's sixth.  A great way to spend time with friends and  relax drink.  It's our Thursday night Drinking Club, but totally counts as excercise. Check it out here.
• The last weekend of April I am going on a bacheloreette beach weekend for my friend Nicole with a great group of girls and I could not be more excited for her!  I don't know whether I am more excited about the beach or drinking out of penis shaped straws all weekend.
• Then in May, I will taking a long weekend to go to New York City and help Mo SAY YES! TO THE DRESS. I have not been since I was sixteen and I think that this trip will be a completely different experience!
• AND most recently...today was Match Day and my future sister-in-law is now officially a resident for a great hospital in Chicago! Congrats Dr. Lauren! I am so proud of you!

There are so many other great things and experiences coming my way in the next couple of months that I will stop there for now.

I am not entirely sure what direction I want to take this blog in or a label to put on it, so I think I am going to let it just evolve over time and see what happens. What I do know is that I am going to be myself.  This blog is about me, my life, and finding the happy medium.  This will not be all butterflies and fluff because...let's be real.  Sometimes shit happens.

I like the unknown of it all.

Those Three Terrible Words

It's rather an irony that your dear auntie is still writing about Single Life after being married for over three years. How dare I, I'd like to know. However, I suppose there is something to be said for looking at Single Life from the other side of the fence. I can see what in Single Life still looks pretty good (e.g. the freedom to go wherever you want when you want) and what looks worse than ever.

One of the things that looks worse than ever is the total drama and potential heartache around "I love you." You can say "I love you" to your family, if you have that kind of family, and your best pals, if you have that kind of best pals, but you can't just say "I love you" to a single man you think is pretty darn lovable (or just really, really attractive) without the risk of massive social upheaval.

And yet it seems so normal and so tempting just to say "I love you" because you feel like saying it, and you gotta be you, and let's just get this on the table, and---Whoa.

First of all, "I love you" can be a lie, like when a guy says "I love you" and you feel terrible that you don't love him, and you think (for whatever reason) that you should love him, and that just saying it might make it come true.

Second, it could actually be a mistake about how it is that you feel. You may think you love some guy, but in actual fact you just think he is attractive and that it would feel soooo good if he said "I love you" back to you.

Third, there are few better ways to derail what may be a promising relationship by dropping the "I love you" bomb on a man who doesn't yet know how he feels about you. Men are not women, so ever if you authentically and unreservedly know that you are crazy about this man and want to have his babies, he might not yet know that he feels the same way about you. It might take him an extra week or an extra month or an extra eleven months, and until he naturally makes the brain-heart connection, you have to keep your mouth shut.

Long-term readers of this blog may vaguely remember that I knew I loved my future husband before he knew that he loved me (absolutely true because I checked later) and I count it as a personal victory that I managed to keep my mouth shut. Possibly it was because the stakes were so high. Possibly because it was because I had been blogging this stuff for years. Possibly because it was only a lapse of three or four days. But whatever it was, I now have my reward because I can say "I love you" every single day to a nice man, and hear him sincerely say "I love you, too", which is basically the source and summit of Post-Searching-Single Life. (I probably could say it twice or thrice a day, too, although four times might be pushing it, especially when he is watching "Master Chef".)

Fourth, as I have blogged before (or just emoted over the phone), it is more important than ever for men to travel uninterrupted through the great adventure called Winning the Girl. One of the Great Seven Plots involves a hero going out into the world to make his fortune and win the beautiful princess through feats of derring-do. There are few stories in which the princess just hands herself over without any effort whatsoever on the hero's part. That would not be as much fun, or psychologically truthful, and frankly I think I would have enjoyed being a fairy tale princess watching all the poor woodcutters' sons, minor princes, et alia, trying to rescue me. At very least, it would have been flattering.

Seraphic (on tower phone): Okay, I know it's really mean and stuff, but I am like so relieved that the ugly bad-tempered looking one fell and was impaled on the thorns.

Seraphic's pal (over phone): Oh, I know. You're like, It's not personal. I don't want you to die, but you're not the handsome prince I'm hoping for.

Seraphic: The writhing in agony thing really sucks.

Seraphic's pal: So don't watch.

Seraphic: I feel bad if I don't watch. If I didn't watch, he'd just die alone in the thorns with nobody there but his horse.

Seraphic's pal: Well, it's not like you asked him to rescue you.

Seraphic: Hmm. That's true.

Anyway, I think it very important for a boy, especially one who generally acts like he owns the universe, to have to take the big huge risk of laying his heart before a woman, not being quite sure if she will pick it up, or just give it back, or even stomp on it. This kind of action makes a boy into a man, no matter what happens. Of course it is sad for a man to have his heart handed back and horrible to have it stomped on, so it is a good idea for a boy to have some indication that his ladylove might actually accept this heart before he gives it.

However, having a good idea is not the same thing as being 100% sure. And it is awful for a man to be 100% sure a woman thinks she loves him when he isn't sure if he loves her. His natural reaction is very likely to be running away and pondering things in his cave, like Grendel. There he thinks thinks like "How badly do I want to get married?" and "Do I really want to get married?" and "Do I perhaps have a vocation to the priesthood instead?" and "Does love feel like this?" and "Why am I sweating like a pig?" How tragic if all he needed was just some time.

Anyway, to roll up this whole post into one sentence, promise yourself not to tell a guy you love that you love him until he says it first. Say he is marvellous or amazing or wonderful or a gift. Say any nice thing you like, but don't say "I love you" first.

Above all, don't tell a guy you love him just to make him say "I love you." Tempting, very tempting, but a bad idea in the long run.

Young Man's Darling

I wrote a novel about a woman in her mid-thirties who is romantically involved with a young man in his early twenties. Ignatius Press tells me it will be out in 2013, but I am not sure exactly when. If you wish to know exactly when, ask Ignatius Press.

This week I have had requests to talk about Younger Women Dating Older Men and Older Women Dating Younger Men, and I had to squish up my inner eye and stare into the dark shadows of my memories to try to see this all from a younger woman's perspective. For lo, I am 39+ and married, and incredibly tolerant about both situations.

If you are being pursued by an older man, and his grizzled charms make you go weak at the knees, by all means go out with this older man. If you are being pursued by a downy faced infant and you think his blushes are adorable, by all means go out with the infant.

By infant, I mean an infant over the age of 18, of course. And by you, I mean adult readers.

The older you get, the less age gaps seem to matter. When you are eighteen, it seems wrong to date a fourteen year old and worrisome to date a twenty-two year old. But when you are thirty, nobody worries if you date a thirty-four year old, and dating a twenty-six year old may seem a bit of a coup.

Incidentally, the age gap is not as pronounced in Europe as it is in North America. Europeans are just not so obsessed with age. It is not unusual for European university students to seek friendships or romance with people much older than themselves. Attractiveness is not equated with youth. Catherine Deneuve is in her 60s, and young men still fall down and worship her. Behold:



The title means "You or No-one", btw.

But even in North America young men can find older women attractive, and one of the most charming couples I know became a couple after the surprised woman decided that the younger man wasn't, as he complained, "just some kid."

Frankly, I think such younger man-pursues-older woman relationships very likely to succeed, if the woman actually does like him, because women are usually too inhibited prudent to chase men much younger than themselves. Therefore it is definitely a case of a man going after what he wants, and being determined to win in the face of a stupid obstacle, which is the woman wondering if he isn't too young for her. It is not a case of a self-deluding woman chucking herself at Mr Rapidly Being Spoiled.

That said, some women are just not attracted to younger men. I think this mad, as younger men are much better looking than older men. And as an older woman it is so much easier to deal with all their young man storminess. The sulks, the rants, the poses, the politics, the confusion that so oppress you when you're their age are much easier to deal with when you're over 30.

But I can see that a very gentle woman might want to give youthful Sturm und Drang a miss altogether and just date a kindly older man. It is not a hideous insult to be wooed by an older man, by the way. If you want to see him, see him. If you don't, say "No, thank you." All you have lost is your right to complain that nobody ever asks you out.

If he tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to go out with him, however, tell him to go to hell, gramps.

I was once in a marriage-track relationship with a man ten years older than myself. It didn't work out because he wasn't Catholic. Also, he had non-age related health problems and my mother was worried I was going to end up his nurse. Well, if you love someone, you don't mind being his nurse, but if you don't, you do. So it wasn't just that he wasn't Catholic but that I wasn't just that into him.

But a pal of mine married a man about 20 years older than herself--a big, funny guy with a motorcycle and a receipt showing an enormous bar bill taped to the wall--because she was that into him. We had a conversation about how they might not have a really long time together, given his age. She was a bit sad about that, but that's just how it was. And is. Sure enough, he got cancer five years later, but it looks like he's pulling through, thank God.

I realize that people are always jabbering on about "Is he too young for you?" or "Is he too old for you?" but once you are both ADULTS, and nobody become a really, truly adult magically at the age of 21 (let alone 18), these questions make little sense. In the case of teenage girls, everyone is terrified that Mr Older Guy is going to seduce her with the shameless lies teenage boys haven't yet figured out how to tell convincingly.

Yes, most of us westerners are adolescents until we are about 25. Girls mature faster, apparently. I didn't. But if you are a 30+ year old woman, the only thing you need to worry about is if your under-25 boyfriend is an adult yet or not. And maybe you are the patient kind who can put up with adolescent sulks and storms, and the smart one who isn't going to be his Older Woman Who Initiated Him Into the Sweets of Love, like an 18th century courtesan, only unpaid.

"I'm not going to be one of those b*itches who ruins children," said Brett, Lady Ashley in The Sun Also Rises. Words to live by.

As for older men, I could barely see them until I was over 30. I thought it was an age thing, but now I think it was a North American thing, too. But anyway, it was only after I was 30 that I would ever ever ever have considered going out with someone as old as 40.

It is traditional to complain that men always want women much younger than themselves, but I don't think this is true. Single men generally pursue women their own age, and most Single men are in their 20s. Most Single women are in their 20s, too, which may be why older Single men are so willing to try their luck with them. And I don't think older men who think twenty-something women are luscious are any less moral than older women who think twenty-something men are toothsome.

It has also been complained that playboys suddenly panic at the age of 40 and then start looking for women to have their babies. Well, more fool them. The way not to be hurt by playboys is not to go to bed with them. Indeed, quite a lot of modern misery could be solved by just not going to bed with men. Complaining because a man has had 20 years of strings-free fun and now is looking to settle down strikes me as a waste of breath and ink.

I shall end with my usual kind of advice.

* Do what you want as long as it isn't a sin. Smoking a cigarette or eating meat is not a sin. Going for coffee is not a sin. Heavy petting is a sin. When in doubt, check with your confessor.

* Don't chase men. Wait and see who shows up. Say Yes to what or who you want and No to what or who you don't want. It's your right.

*Stay rooted in reality. Don't delude yourself. If a man walks you home after dark, it is not a sign that he is that into you. Particularly not if you asked him to walk you home in the first place.

Update: I acknowledge the screams of horror from Women Younger Than I at the idea of (female) young things giving (male) old cougars the time of day. The idea is that older men are wily and experienced and wicked.

And to be honest, I was thinking of 30 year olds dating 40-plusses, since I can't imagine why a 20-something would want to date some guy with orange peel skin when she--unlike me--has access to all those toothsome 20-something hotties.

No offense, 20-something hotties. You're not supposed to be reading this blog.

Anyway, I have put up two new surveys. The top one asks "How old is too old?" and the one underneath wants to know how old you are, so that I will remember that some of you are bouncing babies.

A daring-ly relevant post for Valentines Day

[For her eyes only, not for the weak at heart]

     If you are one of my lovely brides, or a friend that has come to me for advice, you know there is one tradition I tell you to keep: that the Bride and Groom give each other a gift. It can be before the wedding day, it can be the day of, it can be sneakily hidden for him to find, or exchanged together. However you want to exchange it... as long as you do, please. …exchange it.

     What is it? It can be something you will use on the honeymoon or something sentimental that will make you both teary eyed.  My heart drops when a bride tells me they are going to skip it.  You know me, I am a fan of the non-traditional, but this tradition is a must.

Why? Well, for many reasons. For one, you have both been busy planning your wedding, on top of working, and it is time to show each other your appreciation.  And two, months and months of planning later, you need to let him know that the Bridezilla is now gone. Remind him how much you love him. Let him know that he is saying "I do" to not just any girl…but a Woman. A woman who is beautiful inside & out and who will spend the rest of her life making him happy.

   So as some brides give nice monogrammed cufflinks and others give a sweet homemade card (which is sweet, perfect and are some great ideas)…why not opt for this little scenario….

{please cue the music}

...You give your gift to his best man so he can place it in the perfect spot for your Groom on your wedding day. While your guy is getting ready, the Best Man sets the gift on the bed and leaves. Your Groom walks in to find the little package laying on his sheets, picks it up to find a simple card attached that has nothing but a handwritten, "I am Yours." Probably with that little curious smirk you love, he opens it and finds a photo…You wearing nothing but 5 inch heels and his favorite sports team's jersey….

    Now, obviously, I know how a woman thinks.  Some of you are probably thinking this is a totally awesome idea and are already undressing (hold on to your britches, ladies). Some of you are thinking, "Oh my gosh, I could never!!".  And then some of you are on the fence, but will admit that the wheels are turning.

 

Ok, so. Let's discuss some reasons of why not. 

[Please raise your hand and do not shout out while in class...]

You do not think you have the right look. 

 No, no, no.  This is not the time to be shy and lack self-confidence.  This is about being sensual and bringing out that gorgeous work of art that lies in every woman.  It is no secret that women are lacking in self-confidence these days, but let's start a movement! Size 1 or 100, every woman is beautiful and what better way to reassure yourself than to see yourself in this new light.

 n

 You would feel silly giving that to him.

Silly? Can I remind you that this is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with? Who is going to be taking care of you, holding your hand when you are wrinkly and smell like Bengay.  Loving you when you will be wearing mismatched clothes because you can't see, even though your lenses are 4 inches thick! This is a gift he gets to hold onto forever.  Every time he gazes at the picture, he will be taken back to the day he received it and still be grinning like an adorable schoolboy.

 n

I don't think he would like it. Honest. 

If you can say that with a straight face, kudos to you {smile}. Do you honestly believe that?  I can tell you, little lady, to the "T", what he will do when he opens it up. As he tries to catch his breath, he will probably do this odd half giggle, half stutter, mixed with some gasps as he blinks his eyes and thinks to himself (or even yells to the heavens) "I HAVE THE COOLEST CHICK ALIVE!!!!!!!"  He won't know what to do with himself. Imagine that next time you see him that day, walking down the aisle…the look that boy will be giving you!

 n

What about the photographer? 

Oh, ok. See, most of you weren't even thinking about the photographer, I bet. And now you are, and I know you…. you are thinking, "Oh, the photographer, that's right, no. Never mind. Way too embarrassed."  You know, you are right…you have me on this one. But what about a professional female who specializes in capturing exactly what your eyes say?  A photographer who knows how to make the light so perfect , that it blows a supermodel spread out of the water. A photographer who can capture the right amount of innocence and sensuality in one perfect shot.?  A photographer who makes you feel comfortable in your skin? 

any. further. questions?

The pictures in this post are from O' So Lovely by Ella Photography located in Montreal. Don't let the distance scare you, she travels the world photographing weddings, pets, nature, and specializing in Boudoir. I especially love her attitude towards her O' So Lovely! Boudoir Sessions. She wants to empower women. In fact, the tagline on her website says, "the sexiest gift you can gift your partner or yourself".  

What an attitude to have. What a way to build your confidence. What better way to say, 

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Photography: Ella Photography {click}

Makeup: Janet Persaud {click}

Location: Hotel St-Sulpice, Montreal {click}
Lovely Lady: Let's call her Miss S.
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Interested? Intrigued? Want to read a little more? Read the  O' So Lovely Boudoir Marathon post that includes a recap of a boudoir session that was complete with bubbly and fat free cupcakes! It also includes a video on how nervous they felt before and how awesome they felt after.  See it here.



t'was the day before Valentine's Day

If you ask one of my brides, they will tell you how I stress that gifts between one another should be meaningful, not extravagant. If you are out of ideas, here are some last minute gifts & tips for him or her.

1. First, to any guys out there reading this, let me give you an insight on most women. When it comes to gifts, some women like designers, some women like a bunch of cute, simple ideas, some women flip for diamonds... but whatever category we fall into, we all have one thing in common…we want you to touch our hearts.  Again, I can't speak for all women, but I can speak for most when I say that the most expensive gift will never mean as much as an incredibly thoughtful one (in case my hubby is reading this, I will of course, take some diamonds :-).   So maybe this year instead of a bouquet from a grocery store, how about 20 daisies left in special places around the house for her to find. Instead of a paper box of chocolates from the drugstore, a box of her favorite childhood candy…

2.Write the story of how you fell in love. This may sound a bit corny, but think about it for a second. How intriguing it would be to see your love story through your other half's eyes. You know what you felt, what you thought, but having the tables turned and seeing your love transform from another point of view….now that is simply amazing. Not to mention, what a way to spend Valentines Day, reliving your happily ever after. Write in a love letter form, or even make a little DIY notebook if you artsy and creative. An easy tutorial courtesy of craftynest.com by clicking here.

3.New hobbies. Maybe he loves hiking but you are more of an inside gal. Instead of going out to dinner, put on some boots, pack a dinner and surprise him with a hiking trip. Make it special. Research some great trails and print out the map. Draw a heart on your destination where you will enjoy a little Valentines Day picnic. Or maybe she loves watching Chick Flicks and you hate them. Rent 3 of her favorites, make some popcorn, and spend the evening cuddled and watching them. Even "Ooh and Ahh" a little, for her.

4.Pamper. Now this could go two ways; the easy way & the fun way. You could buy a gift certificate at a spa for your loved one, or you could use that money to go buy aromatherapy candles, lotions, download some relaxing music to your ipod and be the masseuse yourself.  Bath & Body Works has an entire line called "Sensual".  Grab some new silky sheets, fill the room with flowers, and set up some strawberries and champagne for even more fun. Go ahead…start your car…I thought this one would excite you!

5.Is your love a foodie or have a sweet tooth? How about writing a personalized recipe book of recipes you know she or he would love! Not just recipes, do some research on restaurants and their menus. Include certain restaurants with menu items for you two to get to in the next few months.

6. Not exactly meaningful to a woman, but definitely to a man. Besides, what's a Valentine's Day gift post without something like this. Click here and get it overnighted {wink wink}
7.Perhaps you are not very savvy in the kitchen. You could make a beautiful meal of her/his favorite foods. If you want to spend a little money, hire a personal chef to come to your house and serve you. It is like being a restaurant where playing footsies is appropriate! Check some out in your area here.

*disclaimer: This advice is from a wedding planner and a girl, who is not in any way shape or form an expert on love, but is someone who can honestly say from her own experience that love & marriage can be easy, wonderful & full of happy tears if you treat each other right, realize what you have, love like it was your last day on earth, and realize love is not suppose to be played like a game or a theatrical performance...

For the Ladies..2 things.

1. Don't be naggy, or a drama queen, or hold on too tight. Give them a reason to want to do things for you and not be able to wait to come home to you.

 2. Never underestimate the power of lace.

For the Men…10 things

Chivalry is not dead. Men... open the car door, hold the doors, hold the umbrella, take her coat,  pull out her chair, pay the check, tell her that you often find yourself daydreaming about her, kiss her forehead, hold her hand…and if this last paragraph makes you smile and not roll your eyes…and you haven't done so yet for some silly reason….ask her to marry you already!!!!