Oh Auntie Seraphic!
I think by this point you are quite entitled to shorten your name to 'Auntie Seraph." You are not just angel-like, but a real angel, indeed, a spiritual auntie for us little poppets. Just as I consider St. Therese to be a spiritual mother, I think women on earth who are not in heaven yet are most appropriately termed Spiritual Aunties.
I am one of these spiritual nieces who is overwhelmingly relieved to have such good, blunt, and resoundingly true opinions on women and men. I use 'resoundingly' because your advice is I think what all good girls know in their heart of hearts, and what is only covered up by double-guessing and daydreaming!! So I have read your blog, erm, religiously, and I'm very grateful that you are writing and making your opinions known!
So right now I feel so happy that I have these good principles of waiting and not searching out a guy in my head and Why That is Proper and Just and all that in my head. And I have come to terms with my own issue where I always always day-dream my way into huge crazy crushes that aren't rooted in reality... le sigh! However, I am a little girl! A weeee babe! That's my consolation in the face of dumby-head things I [say to] boys, both in my head and to their faces!! But Auntie... O Sensei... I have learned better! I shall never again justify dreamy!
BUT!!! But I will not be able to use this excuse forever! And I fear that I don't have this problem just because I am young! You see, though I know I shall never again ACT too forward with a guy, because I have these principles in my head, how can I keep from THINKING day-dreamy thoughts?
It's like a disease! If I meet, or even SEE a cute single catholic boy, (or even a single cute boy, or even a boy... ai ai ai!) my little brain automatically jumps to 'what-ifs.' You know? And then even if I constantly remind myself, "No daydreaming, think about the real person, think about how he hasn't shown romantic interest in you," still, I always seem to have SOME boy or other in the back of my mind. And when that boy becomes less romantically attractive... I automatically come up with another one to take his place.
I liked and then day-dreamed about a certain boy at school for about a year. Then I realized what I was doing and stopped it all, because he never showed serious interest... I don't think... It's still sort of hard to know. And I'm anxious that when I go back to school the whole cycle will start all over and I'll make an even bigger doofus out of myself!
I wonder if I run into problems of this nature because of more deep-seated issues in my life... I truly WANT to be rid of this problem, I see how silly and irrational such a mind-set is. But I fall into it almost against my will. How, I say to myself, could I be rid of this nagging hope of 'looking forward to a special guy someday', so that I can really be ready to meet him? And... ugh. I feel sick just thinking about it.
Do you think it's just a matter of being young? Of over-thinking things? Worrying too much? Have you ever experienced this? What say you, Auntie?
Nineteen
Dear Nineteen,
Now I wonder if you really are who you say you are or if you are me as a teenager writing from the past, taking advantage of some weird high school science project I've forgotten about.
Listen, there is nothing wrong with you except adolescent foggy-brain, which seems to be one of those things which goes along with adolescence and can definitely suck, but eventually it will go away and the bright sun of adult reason will burn through the clouds.
I daydreamed my way through high school and undergrad university, and I am very sorry now because daydreaming is a great foggy waste of time unless you change the names and write all the daydreams down in the form of short stories. Now when I find the few examples of this in archaeological digs through my own papers, I am amused and impressed with my teenage self instead of impatient with her for all the other time she wasted.
As for boy-craziness, I have been boy-crazy my whole entire life, and I still think men are the caffeine in the cappuccino of life, which seems a bit sad, really, given that I am married and all. You would think that being married to the Love of Your Life would keep you from ever noticing cute guys ever again, but guess what. And you would think that going to university for a million years would stop you from wanting to talk about love stuff, and yet here I am in my 40s writing about love stuff. No Nobel Prize for me.
So, dear Nineteen, I advise you not to beat up on yourself for being boy-crazy but to congratulate yourself. The fact that a new guy takes up residence in your head proves that you are capable of thinking about someone other than yourself. I'm serious. The wonderful thing about romantic love, even dumb unrequited crush-type romantic love, is that it shows that we are longing for some connection outside of ourselves.
The problem with being ashamed about being boy-crazy is we try so hard to hide it, we might come off as a bit remote and unfriendly. So even as you are telling yourself to be rooted in reality, make sure you are smiling and friendly to the nice men around you. Usually they aren't ever going to show any romantic interest unless you smile and say "Hi."
That's as far as I think girls should go, however. If you see a guy you recognize from class pass you on the street, you are allowed to catch his eye, smile and say "Hi." Repeat with next guy you recognize from class. You don't have to start a conversation; in fact, you shouldn't. Let them start the conversations past "Hi." And don't call yourself a doofus.
Anyway, I hope this is helpful. Having adolescent perpetual crush foggy brain is uncomfortable, but it seems perfectly normal to me. Just keep rooted in reality and don't beat yourself up for being the kind of woman who thinks men are marvellous and always seems to have one in her head.
Oh, and it is 100% normal to want to find a special guy one day. Thomas Aquinas thought (or thinks) getting married and having babies is the natural end of the human being, a path some are called out of by a vocation to religious life (or, I would add, some other more mysterious plan of God). Just don't think about it every 15 seconds.
There is so much more to life, especially when you are very young and have so many opportunities and student discounts. A girl can't live on caffeine: you need the nutritious food of studies, art, music, lectures, film, professional training, worship, travel, exercise and building friendships. But, as I said, your feelings are absolutely normal and arguably laudable. Just make sure they don't run away with you or make you feel dumb. Remember that feelings are not facts, and fleeting thoughts are not actions.
Grace and peace,
Seraphic
Update: Hmm. I see that I myself feel a bit bad for thinking so much about love stuff. Love is rather important, so why shouldn't someone get a Nobel Prize for writing about it? Plato certainly wasn't ashamed of the Symposium. And it seems to me, looking out of my 17th century attic into post-1963 Britain, that the questions of love, marriage and family are more important than ever.
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